i'm ba-ack

started writing again. feels good to let go of that feeling of my writing not being good enough. or too depressing. or that i couldn't come up with plots anymore. wrote 2 stories in the last 2 weeks and i don't hate them yet. they're alright. i'm willing to keep going until i really like one. the first one i wrote by hand and then typed out and made little edits, the 2nd directly on google drive because i'm lazy. getting my cousin to send me prompts. i literally cannot wait for the next one.

ps. the pauly shore episode of the marc maron wtf podcast - classic. 

3 things

a thing that i am excited about: 
a good day to die hard - because it's die hard! there will never come a day when i'm not excited for one of those. sure i'm not entirely sure about how i feel about bruce willis these days, but boy do i know how i feel about john mcclane. he is the man. the man with no plan, who is just one of those guys. the one who has to jump in. because that's just who he is. he doesn't want to be that guy. no sir. but he is. justin long knows.

...th' fuck is this poster?

a thing i used to be excited about, which suddenly excites me again:
a history of rome. episode 113 pulled me back in with it's dramatic tale of the roman empire effectively becoming (temporarily - for a solid decade at least i think) 3 separate empires. and somehow eventually is united again. when does that ever happen? in rome it does! history is fun as long as no one expects me to remember exact dates :)

a thing that always excites me:
fun new work projects to look forward to! so much work. i love it.

till it hurts

heard these lyrics at a restaurant:
...make babies together till it hurts... (might have been "make babies till it hurts")

and now google says there's no such song. o0

but anyway, have been thinking on "till it hurts" - what is that point?

1. you've been trying for so long the sex is bad
2. accidental pregnancy
3. you get chucked before the baby's born
4. infertility
5. spending all your money on IVF and the like
6. ending up with a gazillion babies in litter fashion
7. your adopted kid doesn't think of you as a real parent
8. morning sickness
9. miscarriage
10. bedrest
11. labour
12. incisions + stitches
13. extreme sleep deprivation
14. your arms hurt from carrying the baby
15. opposing parenting styles
16. you're not the favourite parent
17. you can't relate to the kid
18. being an absentee parent
19. suddenly they're all grown up and don't need you anymore
20. worrying that they're messing up their lives
21. locking them in their rooms
22. being lied to constantly
23. you trip on a toy and fall down the stairs
24. regretting that you had all the kids and didn't live your own life
25. divorce
26. realising you've turned into your mother/father
27. ...

endless possibilities, the mystery of a song lyric.

thoughts about places: nz

so there's the obvious shit:  it's super beautiful, looks like the phantom movie one minute, the shining the next and then there's a beach - all on the same drive. but then there's the stuff that you'd only notice after having lived with the locals.

people think nothing of leaving food out overnight and chucking it the next day. leave their car lights on during the day. leave cupboard lights on, the light goes off when you close the door - refrigerator style. let the tap run when washing dishes. small things which made me realise how much i think about waste and not wasting on a daily basis. and it's super awkward to always be cleaning up, switching off, putting away - when it's someone else's home! so mostly did nothing. switched off a tap once. put leftover pizza in the fridge.

also they're generally happier than the brits. those brits are a grumpy, always making snarky jokes lot. nz jokes are friendlier. warm and fuzzy even when supposedly offensive (really not). [edit: this is purely my opinion of pri and liam's friends i think... considering they are the only people i really observed. the country is really that devoid of people.]

matarangi and me

what's not to love about vacations? a lot actually: they can be stressful endeavours featuring too many people and personalities and things to account for. but this trip to new zealand was simply the best. fights that could have easily happened were avoided, new people were met and enjoyed, reunions, rediscovering people - the works. it just worked. 

but possibly one of the best times was me alone on this beach. saturday morning, awake before everyone else. i left a note (because you always do) and headed out to the beach for a little paddle. let the waves bash my legs (did get swimsuited up later in the day and let the waves bash a whole lot more of me - also tons of fun) and considered the universe. had myself a carl sagan "pale blue dot" sort of moment. this is the planet i am stuck on and i like it. i liked my life. i liked the moment i was living in. 

more about matarangi beach:

also went for a long walk along the beach later later in the day in cliche "i like long walks on the beach" fashion. we observed the beachfront houses, compared architectural styles and made judgements about the people in them. watched the children play. walked in the shallows. watched the gulls. jumped on fragile sandy hills and broke down what the sea had made. drew in the sand. picked shells. buried our feet in the sand. pictured the ideal beach house. mine would be a lighthouse. non functioning - i have no desire to mislead ships to their death. or even the house we stayed at. it was pretty ideal. lots of light. 

being kidlike on the beach is the best. it's like a space where silliness is positively encouraged. as much as i like being alone on a beach - being with people on a beach is even better. i'm just a social animal. no loner am i.