hate (i really don't like you)

reading state of wonder by ann patchett. my 2nd patchett. this whole book is a reminder of the all the reasons why i loved bel canto (the first) so. i have been introduced to a character much mentioned, but only now finally on the page – a living, breathing person. and i hate her. i hate dr annick swenson for being so cold. so uncaring about other people. a pet peeve of mine, it would seem. how many millions of blog posts have i devoted to this very thing? it's the thing i am hardest on myself about. when i see something one way, my way. selfish! selfish i tell myself, what a shit i am. unable to see it like the other person. cold. unsympathetic. lacking in empathy. bad.

i can tell myself - dr swenson's just a pure scientist who only wants to be left alone to focus on her work, she has no time to spare on mundane things like people, and feelings and death. she cannot be held to the same standards as a mere driver, shopkeeper or pharmacolgist. but then i think fuck that. she's unfeeling. i hate her so much that everytime she speaks i want to hit her/stab her/cause her pain/dump a ton of feelings on her that she cant process with her unfeeling, robot non-heart. and i love ann patchett for making me feel this way. what a book. halfway through. what is sleep? just something i wont be doing tonight :)

edit: by the end of the book, there was less hate. she's not my favourite person. but she's not the worst.

i'm ba-ack

started writing again. feels good to let go of that feeling of my writing not being good enough. or too depressing. or that i couldn't come up with plots anymore. wrote 2 stories in the last 2 weeks and i don't hate them yet. they're alright. i'm willing to keep going until i really like one. the first one i wrote by hand and then typed out and made little edits, the 2nd directly on google drive because i'm lazy. getting my cousin to send me prompts. i literally cannot wait for the next one.

ps. the pauly shore episode of the marc maron wtf podcast - classic. 

3 things

a thing that i am excited about: 
a good day to die hard - because it's die hard! there will never come a day when i'm not excited for one of those. sure i'm not entirely sure about how i feel about bruce willis these days, but boy do i know how i feel about john mcclane. he is the man. the man with no plan, who is just one of those guys. the one who has to jump in. because that's just who he is. he doesn't want to be that guy. no sir. but he is. justin long knows.

...th' fuck is this poster?

a thing i used to be excited about, which suddenly excites me again:
a history of rome. episode 113 pulled me back in with it's dramatic tale of the roman empire effectively becoming (temporarily - for a solid decade at least i think) 3 separate empires. and somehow eventually is united again. when does that ever happen? in rome it does! history is fun as long as no one expects me to remember exact dates :)

a thing that always excites me:
fun new work projects to look forward to! so much work. i love it.

till it hurts

heard these lyrics at a restaurant:
...make babies together till it hurts... (might have been "make babies till it hurts")

and now google says there's no such song. o0

but anyway, have been thinking on "till it hurts" - what is that point?

1. you've been trying for so long the sex is bad
2. accidental pregnancy
3. you get chucked before the baby's born
4. infertility
5. spending all your money on IVF and the like
6. ending up with a gazillion babies in litter fashion
7. your adopted kid doesn't think of you as a real parent
8. morning sickness
9. miscarriage
10. bedrest
11. labour
12. incisions + stitches
13. extreme sleep deprivation
14. your arms hurt from carrying the baby
15. opposing parenting styles
16. you're not the favourite parent
17. you can't relate to the kid
18. being an absentee parent
19. suddenly they're all grown up and don't need you anymore
20. worrying that they're messing up their lives
21. locking them in their rooms
22. being lied to constantly
23. you trip on a toy and fall down the stairs
24. regretting that you had all the kids and didn't live your own life
25. divorce
26. realising you've turned into your mother/father
27. ...

endless possibilities, the mystery of a song lyric.

thoughts about places: nz

so there's the obvious shit:  it's super beautiful, looks like the phantom movie one minute, the shining the next and then there's a beach - all on the same drive. but then there's the stuff that you'd only notice after having lived with the locals.

people think nothing of leaving food out overnight and chucking it the next day. leave their car lights on during the day. leave cupboard lights on, the light goes off when you close the door - refrigerator style. let the tap run when washing dishes. small things which made me realise how much i think about waste and not wasting on a daily basis. and it's super awkward to always be cleaning up, switching off, putting away - when it's someone else's home! so mostly did nothing. switched off a tap once. put leftover pizza in the fridge.

also they're generally happier than the brits. those brits are a grumpy, always making snarky jokes lot. nz jokes are friendlier. warm and fuzzy even when supposedly offensive (really not). [edit: this is purely my opinion of pri and liam's friends i think... considering they are the only people i really observed. the country is really that devoid of people.]