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Friday, 12 April 2013

hate (i really don't like you)

reading state of wonder by ann patchett. my 2nd patchett. this whole book is a reminder of the all the reasons why i loved bel canto (the first) so. i have been introduced to a character much mentioned, but only now finally on the page – a living, breathing person. and i hate her. i hate dr annick swenson for being so cold. so uncaring about other people. a pet peeve of mine, it would seem. how many millions of blog posts have i devoted to this very thing? it's the thing i am hardest on myself about. when i see something one way, my way. selfish! selfish i tell myself, what a shit i am. unable to see it like the other person. cold. unsympathetic. lacking in empathy. bad.

i can tell myself - dr swenson's just a pure scientist who only wants to be left alone to focus on her work, she has no time to spare on mundane things like people, and feelings and death. she cannot be held to the same standards as a mere driver, shopkeeper or pharmacolgist. but then i think fuck that. she's unfeeling. i hate her so much that everytime she speaks i want to hit her/stab her/cause her pain/dump a ton of feelings on her that she cant process with her unfeeling, robot non-heart. and i love ann patchett for making me feel this way. what a book. halfway through. what is sleep? just something i wont be doing tonight :)

edit: by the end of the book, there was less hate. she's not my favourite person. but she's not the worst.

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